Deepest Scars
by KirikaClyne
Summary: Another one-shot in my "Paragade" universe. Takes right at the beginning of ME2. Everything has changed for Alexis Shepard, and she isn't sure if she can deal with it.


Cold. Vast. Empty. And yet somehow the sight of all the stars twinkling like diamond dust still filled her with a moderate sense of peace.

As Alexis Shepard sat alone in the cockpit of the new Normandy SR-2, she contemplated and tried to analyze the barrage of information that had been forced upon her shoulders. The Collectors, whatever they were, were abducting human colonists for some sinister purpose, and once again, the fate of the galaxy rested on her shoulders. She had been walking around this new version of the Normandy stewing since they'd departed the Cerberus station. It was a beautiful, fascinating specimen of engineering. Twice the size of the old Normandy. But just like everything else Cerberus had set in front of her, it paled in comparison to her old home. Oh right, and that damnable AI, there was no such thing as _alone_ on an enemy ship equipped with an AI.

There was no warmth or comfort to be found among this crew. Her self-declared XO, Miranda Lawson, was a cold and unfriendly bitch. Within seconds of meeting the woman, Shepard had watched her kill in cold blood. She watched every move that Shepard made with calculating suspicion, seemingly waiting for the first sign that her project, Shepard's teeth ground together painfully, had failed. She was no one's _project_ , and anyone, including Lawson, would get a punch in the face if they ever even tried to indicate otherwise. Her questions on the shuttle out of the station she'd woken up on had bordered on insulting. She should be grateful to Jacob Taylor, the other agent they'd escaped with, that Shepard hadn't tested some of her new strength on her.

Jacob Taylor was another conundrum altogether. She'd been speechless when he told her he'd left the Alliance and become a freelancer after surviving Eden Prime. She would have thought a respectable marine would have considered that attack a call to arms. But instead, he'd joined Cerberus just after the Battle of the Citadel. He'd claimed it was because everything she had accomplished had been whitewashed and swept under the carpet, but she suspected something more. She just couldn't quite settle her mind enough to properly analyze it.

She drew in a deep breath, the half-healed scars across her chest pulling like over tightened violin strings. Every breath or sudden movement caused a twinge of pain, as though someone were tugging at both sides of a fraying seam. The medi-gel system of the armour they'd supplied her with when heading to Freedom's Progress, had dulled the pain to the point she hadn't noticed it. Well, that and the euphoric song of battle adrenalin once again flowing through her veins. Now, sitting in a uniform with that most hated logo stitched into it, she felt every twinge. Her legs burned from all the walking she'd done around the ship. Worse than her time in N training or even basic. Everything in her body felt _wrong_.

She looked down at her hands, bile rising in her throat as the orange glow of her bodies new implants glared out from the ugly, unfamiliar scars. She felt a deep, unyielding rage at the mere idea of the bastardized vessel that now housed her soul. It wasn't her body, nothing about it felt familiar.

Hot tears pricked the corners of her eyes. _No_ , she thought bitterly. _Not my eyes_. These were the eyes of an unfamiliar monster. A husk that wore most of her face and had trapped her soul.

Limping, shuffling footsteps drew her back from her tortured thoughts. She had hoped that this deep into the nightcycle, she would be able to find some peace ... some space to at least _try_ to make sense of everything that had happened over the last two days. She swiped at the tears that escaped to trickle down her cheeks. She was Commander Shepard, and no one must see her cry.

 _Well ..._ her heart constricted painfully as his face flashed before her eyes, the memory of his warm hazel eyes sending a tidal wave of yearning crashing through her. … _almost no one._

The shuffling steps stopped at the entrance to the cockpit. She knew who it was, knew from the moment he'd started approaching the cockpit. She knew there was a lot that they had to talk about, but she wasn't sure if she was ready, or if she ever would be.

"Commander?" His voice sounded so unsure, so contrary to the cocky, sometimes arrogant man he made himself out to be.

"What is it, Joker?" Her voice cracked from disuse, sounding more than a little foreign to her ears. She didn't turn around. She didn't want him to see the anger in her face.

When she'd caught sight of him walking into the projection room on the station, a part of her had been overjoyed. Finally, a familiar and friendly face. Someone she trusted and could rely on. But seeing the Cerberus logo on his uniform had driven a dagger through her heart. He had been there as they'd hunted the "rogue" cells, seen video of the horrible experiments they'd conducted with rachni, how they'd experimented on and killed Admiral Kahoku after he'd gotten too close. How could he have let them experiment on her?

"I … um …" She heard him take a deep, shaking breath. That was unusual, Joker was _never_ nervous around her. He exhaled loudly, his next words coming out in a flood. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry, Shepard. I'm sorry I was so stupid when the SR-1 went down. I'm sorry I … I got you killed." The last words came out in a broken whisper.

Tears stung again, and she couldn't stop the flood from breaking it's dam and rolling down her cracked cheeks. She could hear the sadness, the pleading for her forgiveness, and a tiny part of her wanted to give it to him. "I don't blame you for that, Jeff. My main priority was to get you to safety, and I did." She turned around to face him finally, a bit of her disparaging anger leaking into her voice. "But I didn't save you so that you could throw it back in my face and work for the enemy."

All color drained from Joker's face as she glared at him, the proverbial ton of bricks had fallen and buried him. But he recovered quickly, and his green eyes flashed with an indignant anger that could have rivaled her own. "I came to work for Cerberus so that I could watch your back, Shepard. Yes, fine. I admit that I hated being grounded by the Alliance, but I understood it. I hated that I lost Kaidan, and Garrus' friendship because I was stupid, but I accepted it. I even accepted the shattered orbital bone that Kaidan gave me when he punched me after your official funeral on the Citadel,"

Now the ton of bricks _and_ a bucket of ice water had fallen on her head. The Alliance had grounded him? Why? He was the best pilot they had, and a hero of the Battle of the Citadel. The attack and her death hadn't been his fault. As far as she was concerned, that blame lay solely on the shoulders of whoever had attacked them. And Kaidan had punched him hard enough to break a bone? He always kept his temper locked under such iron clad control.

"So hate me all you want," Joker continued, the anger now taking over and pushing everything else from his voice. "God knows everyone else does. But when I was told that Cerberus was going to bring you back, I promised myself that I would be there to make it up to you."

"If you knew they had me, why didn't you tell someone and try to stop them? You couldn't possibly think I wanted … _this._ " She indicated her rebuilt body. "Why didn't you get them to let me _rest_?" Her voice cracked on the last word, tears once again burning her new eyes.

"Because we need you, Alexis! Kaidan needs you! And …" His anger deflated, leaving him looking every bit the broken man his condition implied. "... I missed you. I could barely look at myself in the mirror knowing that I was the one who … who killed you."

They stared at each other for a long moment, neither moving, each trying to gauge the emotional volatility of the other. She was the first to break the staring contest, turning her head to look out at the stars once more as the tears overtook her. She heard Joker turn on his heel and start to move away, and the emotional dam she had been trying so hard to plug finally broke. With lightning speed, much faster than she remembered, she bounded the few steps after him and threw her arms around him. Her sobs coming hard and fast as everything from her death and the loss of two years, to the seemingly insurmountable task of stopping the Collectors broke through her weak mental barriers.

Joker stood completely still and stiff in her arms, and the startling realization that she was, apparently, much stronger in this new body registered in her mind. She began to pull away, afraid that she had hurt him, but his weaker arms, pinned her to him. She lost track of how long they stood like that, each of them grieving for what they had lost. They could never go back … life didn't work that way. All they could do was move forward and face whatever came at them head on. And maybe, just maybe, whatever they faced would lead them back to where they truly wanted to be. 

* * *

**Author's Notes:** As always, huge thanks to MizDirected to being so awesome!


End file.
